I was bored and messing around with Skype. I was going back and reading old conversations with people. Apparently me and “Batman” first added each other on Skype May 31, 2011. That was (almost exactly) a year ago. We knew each other for a long time before that, obviously. That was when we really started talking though. Damn. A lot can happen in a year. We went from friends, to fuck buddies, to liking each other, to him breaking my heart, and now we’re in that “let’s stay friends” stage. All in 365 days. Damn. Life is…I dunno…lifeish.
Did I mention college is really expensive and I didn’t get approved for enough financial aid? Oh. That happened. So I was upstairs filling out more paperwork. Grandpa asked me if I read and understood what I was signing. I was told by my mother what it was. I scanned it over quickly. I really didn’t care what it said though. I don’t have a choice but to sign it. It could literally say “If you pat your head, rub your tummy, whistle Dixie, jump on one foot, and hula hoop all at the same time then drop to your knees and suck the dean’s dick we’ll give you the money for college.” I would still have to sign it. I have to go to college. I want to go to college. I do not have a choice but to sign myself into terrible amounts of debt. My grandfather paid for my aunt’s college (all the way up to her master’s degree). She didn’t take out any loans or financial aid. He has no clue what this is like. He has no right to call me stupid or lazy. I’m not being stupid or lazy, I’m being real. Yeah, 99% of the time you should read the papers your signing. And reading it wouldn’t have hurt anyone. It’s not like after reading it I could say I didn’t want to sign it though. He made me feel like shit for not being rich.
You know what I don’t get though? Why do they make college so expensive if they want people to go? I’m not rich but I’m not living in a box either. There are a lot of people with less than me. How do they go to college? Why don’t they make it easier to get an education?
Grandma went to the hospital today to get a lump removed from her boob. She was supposed to be in the hospital over night and they were going to tell her the results (if it was cancer or not) later today. She’s home already! They decided to check her one more time before the operation and THE LUMP IS GONE!
:’)
I’m sitting here. In the downstairs kitchen. I heard my piggies bell ringing. I heard their dishes being banged together. I heard them running up and down their ramp. Cute. Right? Wrong! Because when I looked up to see their adorable little faces I realized I let them out of their cage a a few hours ago. I checked on my pigs just to be safe and the noise wasn’t them. Uhm. I think I have ghost pigs. I’m *sure* it sounded JUST like my pigs playing in their cage. Oh, and as I’m typing this their toy is rolling back and forth and their blanket is moving. Uhm. So…what do I do?
*runs away and hides*
When me and Batman first got into the habit of Skyping every night my panic attacks stopped. I guess it was because I had other things to focus on. Like, I’d think about him and how happy I was. I guess that helped me stay calm. When we stopped talking ever night they still didn’t really come back. I had tiny little ones. Nothing like I used to get though. They’d only last a few seconds and it was really not to big of a deal. Last night I had my first really bad one since I stopped having them when me and Batman had our “thing”. It was terrifying. I was to scared to go back to sleep. My heart was pounding and my head was spinning. I was worried I’d have a heart attack or something. It wasn’t the worst one I’ve ever had. It was definitely up there though. It was worse because I haven’t had one in a while, it caught me off guard. I was actually asleep and the second I woke up I had one. It was like 3am or something. Ugh. The worst part is I was freaking out and half asleep and I reached for my phone to call “A” to help me. Than I remembered we haven’t talked in over a year. Bleh. I really hate panic attacks and I want them to go away. I need sleep but that’s when the panic attacks come. I can’t expect my friends to sit on Skype or the phone and watch me sleep either. That’s the only thing that helps though. I need someone there. >.<
—Update—
Eventually I fell asleep. I had some more panic attacks. At one point I jumped up and kicked my laptop. Now the screen is messed up and the fan is making noise. Oh joy.
So this post is about prom, my first legit party, and “Batman”. Keep reading if you want to read about all that and see pictures from prom.
Anonymous asked: i think you should give up on batman..if it hasn't happened now. it probably won't. just saying.if he doesn't miss you as much as you miss him. come on girl think about it. even if his feelings changed try to be friends, you may never know that connection could start over again if it got damaged. heads up from (not real name) jams
Aw. No need to be Anon. I don’t bite. Much. Usually. Unless you’re into that… ;D Haha. Okay, on a serious note, I might as well use this as an opportunity to update you all. I get asked a lot about what’s going on.
Yeah, I see your point. I’ve been wondering if his feelings have changed. I just saw him a few weeks ago, though. I talked to him today. He’s never said anything. I’m not going to assume feelings have changed. So until he says otherwise I’m going to assume he still likes me. I probably (again, not going to assume) do miss him more than he misses me. That’s my fault though. I fell way to hard way to fast. I think he misses me just the right amount. I think that he does truly wish he had more time for me. I think he feels bad things couldn’t be the way we want them to be right now. Hell, last I heard he wasn’t even having meaningless hook-ups with other girls. If that’s not the perfect man I don’t know what it! I think for what we are right now he’s handling things way more right than I am.
I can’t lie, if he told me he didn’t like me anymore I’d be crushed. It’s hard enough to not officially be his girlfriend. I’d be completely heartbroken if he said he didn’t like me anymore. I’d go through the usual breakup emotions (even though it wouldn’t technically be a breakup). I’d cry and be really sad. I’d probably be a little angry too. But if me and “Batman” don’t work out as boyfriend and girlfriend I would definitely want to stay friends. He’s a really great person. I made that mistake with “A”. I pushed to hard to be his girlfriend and now after 6 years we don’t talk at all. “Batman is a great person and I am VERY lucky to have him in my life. Part of me is terrified that if we do date it’ll ruin the friendship. Well, part of me WAS terrified. I’ve thought about it and I think we’re close enough, trust each other enough, care about each other enough, and understand each other enough to not let things go bad between us. I do think we’d make a really good couple too. Like, the perfect couple. I’d never stop talking to him if feelings changed. That isn’t fair at all. I’ll be heartbroken, but time heals all wounds. I’d eventually be okay. If we’re meant to be it’ll find a way.
So, yeah, I see your point. I won’t give up on him though. Unless he says something along the lines of “Diana, I don’t like you. Get over me. I just want to be friends.” I won’t give up on him. If he was some asshole that was just playing games with me I’d say you were totally right. He has very legitimate reasons for not wanting an official girlfriend now. The distance would be a bit hard for him. (I’ve already had long distance relationships. They’re fine with me but I can understand why they aren’t for everyone.) He isn’t THAT far away. It’s about an hour. He’s just so busy with school he doesn’t really have time to take the trip. He’s also busy with other stuff. He needs time for other friends too. He’s young and wants to enjoy college. He doesn’t want to have to worry about hurting a girlfriend back home if he decides to get drunk at a party. I told him that as long as he didn’t have sex/oral sex/anal sex/whatever else you can do with another girl I wouldn’t be mad. I told him that drinking was fine with me. I told him I didn’t even care about him dancing with other girls. I can see why he’d feel bad though. I understand all his points and I respect his decision. I do hope he decides/wants to make us official soon. I do like him a lot.
All the friends I’ve told in real life (which is 3 people) have said the same thing. They say the situation sounds “fishy” and that I should just move on and forget it. Some have even gone as far as calling him a lying douchbag. They say he’s probably just using me for sex. That doesn’t make any sense at all though. I don’t know. Usually I’d agree with them. I just…I don’t know. I have a good feeling about him. My gut and my heart are both telling me he really is as good of a guy as I think he is and that I should wait for him. Ya know?
The night “Batman” told me he liked me I called up certain guy friends and told them we couldn’t talk anymore. Me and these guy friends..we’re…there’s..”things” there. Uhm. Not to sound like a slut but they want to bang me hard. I never thought I’d be tempted to cheat on “Batman” or anything. I just felt weird talking to them “while I had a boyfriend”. So I told them to back off a little. I barely talked to them after that. They were upset enough I wouldn’t hook up with them. Now they were upset I didn’t want to really be that close of friends either. Than Batman told me he wasn’t really looking for anything just yet. Things continued as thought we were together enough that I still shouldn’t talk to those guys. So I didn’t. Than we started talking less and less because he’s really busy. (Which I’m not mad about.) He always said we’d date when he got a car. Well, he got a car and we aren’t together. (Which I’m not mad at.) Just like he wants to have fun, so do I. I started talking to those guys again. I’m still not going to hook up with them. I’d still feel really bad if I did that. I know it wouldn’t be cheating. I just personally would not feel right doing it. I’m friends with them again though. It just shows that I’m understanding what me and “Batman” are to each other better than before. Ya know? I’m still only going to sleep with “Batman”.
Sometimes I get upset. Sometimes I think that maybe I’m being stupid. However, if I really sit down and think about all the times we’ve talked, all the things he’s said to me, and all the things he’s done for me, I really truly believe he’s a good guy. The “clues” just don’t really add up to say anything negative about him. I know I write a lot on here, and the few friends I told know a nice chunk of it too, but no one knows more than me and “Batman”. We’re really the only ones who can judge. Ya know?
So, point is, I do see your point. I’m not giving up on him though. I like him way to much. I don’t want to give up on him. I’m willing to wait. I really believe that he’s worth it. When you find something this good you don’t just “give up on it”.
I mean, don’t get me wrong. When I say I’m not mad at him that doesn’t mean I don’t care. I care. I wish we were dating. I wish he had more time for me. I wish he’d pick me over other things. But I understand that’s not how it works and I accept that. Ya know?
Uhm. So. Yeah. I think that’s everything.
Oh, and also, I’m on my period. So for the next 10 days or so I’m going to be all crazy and emotional. So if he goes 30 seconds without talking to me I’d probably write a post about how he ignores me and shit. Not literally, but you get the idea. A few hours ago I tried to pet one of my guinea pigs and she ran away. I burst into tears and cried hysterically for 5 minutes and insisted that I was a terrible person and all animals hated me. So..yeah. Just keep that in mind when I write “he doesn’t like me” posts. Just..ya know..throwing that out there.
I do not want to go to that stupid college. The guy I lost my virginity to (TGILMVCT) goes there. He’s almost finished but I still have to deal with him for a year. I guess we’re on “I won’t try and claw your eyes out if I see you” terms. We aren’t friends though. I really tried to be friends. He still wants sex and I’m not making that mistake twice. He’s made it clear that we aren’t going to be friends unless we have sex. We’ll never be friends than. It sucks even more because he works at the school too. He’s so many pictures on the school’s FB it’s not even funny. He’s clearly involved in the school’s activities. I’m going to have to go to class and than hide in my dorm and nothing else if I want to avoid him. That sucks because I really wanted to be involved. I guess I shouldn’t let him being there bother me. It is just so damn awkward. Never have sex. Just don’t do it. At least not with your sort-of-ex’s worst enemy on what would have been your 1 year anniversary with the sort-of-ex.
Speaking of that sort-of-ex person, he’s is going there too. -__- I really can’t win. We never dated. But we did. But we didn’t. I don’t know. One day he’d call me his girlfriend and then next day we were just friends. But whatever. We had something. Is that a good way to word it? It’s more awkward to see him than it is to see TGILMVCT. I wonder if he even knows I slept with him. Probably. I spent everyday with him for almost a year. That’s a lot of time. And than it just ended. I’m not even sure why. I mean, I told him to fuck off because he’d go months without talking to me. Than he’d try to talk to me again and tell me to “shut up and be a good little toy”. Not cool. He told Jessica that he’d say hi to me if he saw me. (Which totally wasn’t his reaction that time I did see him.) I wrote on his FB from Jess’ account and said I wouldn’t say hi back. It was kind of immature but whatever. I still feel strangely comfortable talking to him? Probably because we were technically just friends (99% of the time) so it isn’t like an actual ex or an actual break up or anything. I really hope we don’t have to deal with each other to often.
And although I’m 90% sure she’s going to the campus in NYC there is a chance that that girl I used to be best friends with is going there too. She’d be dorming. If we get paired up as roommates I’ll commute. We’d have the same major too.
Ugh.
I’m really not looking forward to this.
I really hope I’m worrying for absolutely no reason.
They’ve never fought like this before. They never really fought at all before, actually. What if something is wrong? They’re due to get their nails clipped so I’ll have the vet check them out then just in case. I don’t like having to put Annabella all alone to eat either. This means I can’t even go out! D: And what’s going to happen when I go away to college? No one will be home enough to put in by herself to eat a few times a day. :/ Poor piggies.
(For those of you who are curious and don’t already follow my other blog. Here is what happened.)
So, that’s my sister. She’s 14 and awesome. Since we’ve been homeschooled all the kids from school stopped talking to her. She has 1 friend who lives 7 hours away. She’s really upset about it and right now she’s screaming and crying and saying she wants to kill herself and that she hates life. I feel terrible. I feel like it’s all my fault because if it weren’t for me almost getting stabbed she’d still be in school. I don’t think she really understands what killing herself really means. So I doubt she’d do it. I think she’s just really upset and wants attention. I feel so terrible. I just want her to be happy. Here’s her Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/BIGBOOBS1001 will you guys just go talk to her? And be her friend? Like, I dunno. She doesn’t want to listen to me and this is the only other thing I could think of to do. You guys are all so awesome to me. So. Yeah. :/
